Life as she remembered.
She boarded her flight with her daughter. She sat next to the window, which added to her excitement of flying. She believed that just for a few hours she would possess powers that resembled the vultures’ skills at flying. She vaguely remembered observing them from her kitchen windows earlier in the year. As the flight ascended, the sky seemed like images from a kaleidoscope. She willed herself to stop the flow of thoughts, instead the past started to unfold to her eyes again with just one exception – she was merely an audience from a different height.
She noticed a familiar house in the splash of colors. Her house. She saw the dog that circled the house. She saw him settling near the gate. The noise from the local roadside restaurant picked his ears and he occasionally sniffed at the accustomed smell of the evening scouting for anything strange to his senses. He was all attention. She knew that the dog was waiting for someone. Someone who owned him and the house and yes, her life. Someone always owned her life. Someone was an old man in her childhood. Then, someone was her dad. Now, someone was him. The owner of the house and the dog.
She snapped out of her vision as the fight attendant distributed food and water. She imitated her daughter unwrapping the packet of food. She watched her gobble the food. She turned to the windows to watch her house again. Except it was not there anymore. Instead, there was another familiar house in which she saw a small restless girl. She remembered the white frock. The realization hit when she saw the old man. The same man had chained her dreams even before the others could demolish it. The girl was from her past. It was her.
She ran around the house panting. She ran till she was out of breath. She ran from the old man in the verandah. She ran away from his gaze. She ran till she could block his voice and his filthy words. At least, she tried. Her attempts were a success till she was a teen. Her people had always set limits. Her people started to fade, their memories did too; but her restrictions multiplied in disproportion. By the age of twenty, her sole kingdom was her kitchen. Yet, the desires remained, they grew with age. She missed the days that she cycled around the town. She remembered the days she fancied herself to be a doctor. She longed for the days she wanted to be a teacher. She craved for the days she prepared herself to be independent. However, these desires did not materialize due to the persistent continuum of clutches in her life, until she was convinced that it was all part of the grand creation. The day she was refused tuition for homework. The day she was denied an opportunity to go to college. The day she obliged to marry. The days she wanted to run away but had nowhere to go.
Often, she hoped she would wake up to a new day with new chances. New days did come, but neither were they what she wanted, nor was she able to transform them into what she had wanted. She was not allowed to name her child ‘Divya’. Isn’t that a good enough name? Yes, but she was not good enough. She was a benevolent human at heart just like her mother.
She fed hungry strangers knocking at her door. She empathized with ill-fated people. She had faith in her God. She had dreams and hopes. At the same time she was too kind, not strong and she was stuck in the vicious holds of life – her grandfather, her father, her brother, her husband, her in- laws and now, her daughters. All her fights proved futile. She reasoned that she was ill- equipped as she had an incomplete education, a stout physique and dark complexion. Consequently, she made sure that her daughters would not go through another version of her life. She was careful. She became strong for them. She was confident that she had brought them up well mannered, well educated, strong and benevolent. She taught them to demand respect. She trained them to speak out loud and hold on to their dreams. However, she always doubted if that was enough.
The flight attendants announced that the flight was descending. She looked out of the window and it was pitch black. All images gone. She felt tired. She felt cold. She wrapped herself with her saree and she rested her head on the window glass. She saw flashes of lights in the black night. In those flashes of light she saw some wickedly smiling faces that she always felt like smashing. She shuddered at her enraged self. The flight landed. The seat belt warning signs went off. The lights in the plane came on. People were rushing towards the doors. She waited. She promised herself she would forgive. She knew there was no other choice. She greeted the attendants and stepped out of the flight. She reached home after an hour. To the house she watched. To the garden that needed her care and the dog that waited for his food. And to them alone.
Text by Rani Unnamalai
Artwork by Sanjana Acharya
Article 19 