This must have been stated before, but the way 2020 had started for me, I’d never have guessed that it would turn out the way it did. I had high hopes for this year (these still remain) because, for me, last year was an absolute mess. I lacked hope, hated myself, I had occasional panic attacks, I was more withdrawn than usual, I was angry, irritated, sad and most nights I cried myself to sleep. After taking a break, opening up, surrounding myself with the most amazing friends and treating myself kindly, I was getting better. I was working on my social anxiety, I was slowly pushing myself out of my comfort zone, meeting new people and trying to be truer to myself.
It may be clichéd, but what better way to do this than with a great new year. Thanks to Saarang, all my closest friends (except one) and I were in insti right in time for New Year’s. We took the metro, walked till St. Thomas Mount and had the best New Year’s celebration of my life. In January, I had one of the best trips, with the best people and had one of the best times of my life. We were happy, we were hopeful and we were relaxed. This is being superstitious, but we should have known that things were not going to turn out well when the heavens opened up and January 1st was greeted by a downpour. Everything happened so quickly. One moment we were all together and happily watching a movie at Phoenix and the next moment we were all packing our bags. As the days stretched to weeks and weeks stretched to months, I also started losing every ounce of positivity that was left in me.
The beginning of the quarantine was relatively okay. Despite the uncertainty of the situation, we were all expecting to be back by a month or two. It was more like a surprise holiday in the middle of the semester, where we could go back home but with the hope that we will all be reunited soon. During the first month, when academic work was absent, I spent my days watching movies, spending time with my family, trying out new hobbies, connecting and keeping in touch with acquaintances back in insti, and I had a proper sleep structure. However, things did not go as planned. The situation worsened and the day we could return back to insti became a foggy affair. Adding to this confusion was the frustration of an over-stretched semester. Initially, this never-ending academic work was irksome because of the unavailability of proper internet connectivity and accommodating environment, but later I just stopped caring about it. It simply became too exhausting and deadlines were met with patched-up work that was done out of obligation. Despite my best interests to avoid conflicts with my family, I failed to the point where it greatly affected my mental health and I was on the verge of slipping into old habits. After a lot of fights, I had to remind myself to put on the mask that I had kept aside and remove it only when I was alone, and to keep myself from sharing or responding. It’s almost like we are walking on tip-toe waiting for someone to explode. I think I got too comfortable with freedom, privacy and a non-judgmental atmosphere, where being me was not scandalous and there were people who were accepting.
Then I started getting angry and irritable at the most trivial of things. If I was not venting to my friends who were miles apart, I would be lying under my blanket or yelling at someone or something. I just wanted to run away or just be somewhere else. Somehow my friend’s and my motto changed from “no social anxiety in 2020” to “get me out of here”. Soon numbness settled in and I just stopped thinking. I never let myself or my surroundings be silent. Most of the time, my headphones would be blasting with music or my laptop would be open to a movie or series where I didn’t have to think. I started losing interest in things that used to excite me and stopped talking to people who were not my three closest friends. It was already difficult for me to make calls but now, I stopped reaching out to people through any means.
Currently, I have been avoiding three people who tried to reach out to me, my WhatsApp is filled with unopened messages and a letter sent by a close friend has been lying unopened on my desk for over a week. I am almost always disinterested, tired or exhausted and all I want to do is just stay still. I sleep because I have to sleep and I don’t want my early-rising dad to find me in my room looking like a zombie. I wake up because I have to wake up. This numbness is accompanied by an occasional wave of all-enveloping and haunting feelings of loneliness and the intense missing of my best people. Either I am numb or I am emotional, and the former seems to be easier. However, writing this article is somewhat cathartic because I am finally forcing myself to think. Even though I have no solutions, it is still something.
Edited by Abhirami G
Article 19 