If there ever was a much-maligned office in IIT Madras among its students, it would without question be the unfairly-targeted Hostel Office. It is clear that a litany of foreign influences and leftist forces scheme to bring down this prestigious, well-meaning station – and indeed by extension, the Institute itself – from its dazzling, untouched heights of meritocratic excellence. It is these same Soros-funded freaks who have put the CCW’s priorities on campus out of joint, wasting valuable time and resources!
These forces of anarchy and their greasy, meddling fingers must be thwacked with the red-hot iron of merit before more damage is inflicted! This Great Thwacking that I speak of begins with the simple understanding that men far greater than us have designs upon this place that a student will simply never be able to understand.
We students must offer our unconditional allegiance to efforts that will lead to the Great Thwacking! It is our moral responsibility! Face what you call “irrational disciplinarianism” like men, and accept the consequences of your actions. Do not play the foolish, mental health victim. Remember, you are lucky to be here.
We must never seek to doubt initiatives set in force by men who only have our best interests at heart. After all, nothing beats extremely well thought-out top-down policy, and the Institute’s committee ranks are filled by the brightest, most endlessly creative engineering minds our country has to offer. It goes without saying that they will immediately grasp the social intricacies of taking care of thousands of students. Screw those crypto-Marxist Social Sciences pansies, pretending to study for years!
A bitter, bitter taste comes to my mouth when I think of the ingrates around me who would throw back the offerings that the esteemed Administration deigns to shower upon us. Those who smile as they receive gifts with their hands outstretched and their heads bowed, yet turn around and whisper depravities even as they stuff their ill-gotten gains down their never-ending, selfishly-lined gullets.
Fie on you, I say!
It is your selfishness, and your self-serving, animalian concern for only your well-being and nothing else, that warps the priorities of the CCW. The holder of that esteemed Office is forced now to allocate resources to such vague, abstract terms as “Student Welfare” and “Hostel Water Supply” when those same resources could, instead, be spent conducting daily Vigilance Checks and fining students exorbitant sums of money.
Thankless job indeed!
But, against all odds, even within such unfortunate restrictions, administrative genius has clearly been at play, further consolidating the vast experience and skill of those in power.
For it is quite evident to anybody with half a brain cell that the initiatives taken by CCW to ensure inconsistent water and electricity supplies, mediocre living conditions and substandard mess food are, in fact, crucial to flushing out the disobedient rats in our hostels who wilfully break hostel regulations through various means. If everything worked like clockwork, the ingrates would actually be satisfied – something which is quite obviously unthinkable. It is crucial that no student feels a sense of “home”, “privacy” or “safety” with their rooms. These are for sleeping only. Any and all privacy, they may find in the toilets. Imagine the entitlement!
These same vermin dare to question the methods of elders who – without doubt – know exactly what they are doing! Were these great men also not students once? Do they not know what it is like to live as us?
In further arrogance and self-blinding stupidity, these arrogant morons who call themselves students seek to question the procedures of being elected to that Office – doubting our man’s ability, and by extension, his power! (If only they knew how dreamy, masculine and commanding a figure he cuts – a handsome, well-built Singham come to life.) These degenerates continuously seek to invalidate even bullet-proof examples of the administrative genius shown by the owner of that beneficent Office on multiple occasions.
Let me give you just one example! The decision to arbitrarily delay mess registrations most likely starved out at least fifty filth-ridden stoners and orgy-havers to finally see the light of day. And YET it is criticism, criticism, criticism! We must not concern ourselves with collateral damage at this point – those students who could not afford fare or immediately pay the fees; the objective is complete and TOTAL war on those moral reprobates who turn to substance abuse and electric iron usage as a coping mechanism to what spineless cowards call an allegedly “difficult” academic environment. Do not cry me your liberal tears. Persist! For once we rid ourselves of these parasites, IIT Madras will return to being the fully-disciplined, shining tower of intellectual learning it once was three thousand years ago, and will far outstrip those impostors in the West who seek to claim our spot of number one.
We must also remember, considering recent events, that number locks are against our culture. We must return to the golden age of the traditional, desi lock, and to other civilisational practices which will lead us to the glorious beacon of Vishwaguru.
In terms of the finite resources and effort available to achieve such supremacy, how can CCW claim to prioritise student “welfare” over the catching of these dirty criminals? Instead of useless, “liberal” policies directed towards creating “safe” environments where students will not turn to substance abuse, or adequate security cameras in corridors for students who get locked up in restrooms at night and have money stolen from their rooms by God knows who, we should rear disciplined students – stressed or unstressed, suicidal or not suicidal – who can expect their doors to be broken down at any second in order for their rooms to be searched at whim. How else will they adjust to the real world? Policy change is the need of the hour, my friends!
It is thus my request to CCW, who is doing an excellent job so far, to further intensify these so-called “difficult” living conditions and to increase vigilance checks and invasions of student “privacy” tenfold such that any of these unwashed hippies who want to do bungee jumping, smoke grass, “make-out” and drink alcohol in their hostel rooms be instantaneously reprimanded and, if possible, in my humble opinion – only if it may be made legal according to Hostel Regulations – executed by firing squad.
But after extracting copious amounts of money from them through fines, of course.
Here’s to making India Number One!
Article 19 